this is the correct response. Please respect EVERYONE’S desires and wants at any given time.

Lets get society sexually liberated not sexually liberal, anyone can want as much or as little as they like.

*finger snap*

Last week B triggered me. And 48 hours later I yelled at him. Through a Facebook message but I yelled at him regardless. 

He called and apologized. No defense, no apologetic explanations. A simple apology. It broke me but in a good way. I don’t think I have words to express how much a simple apology meant to me. 



Sex positivity means many things, but it does not mean that all sex is positive or enjoyable.

This is important. For many survivors, sex is repulsive. Don’t be afraid of it. 

I really want to yell at him but I’m so tired and it’s easier to hold it in

9 September 2014    Reblog    

Shrin Neshat’s works Unveiling, Women of Allah and Rebellious silence really really intrigue me for some reason. 

9 September 2014    Reblog    

To lift yourself out of a miserable mood, even if you have to do it by strength of will, should be easy. I force myself out of my chair, stride around the table, exercise my head and neck, make my eyes sparkle, tighten the muscles around them. Defy my own feelings, welcome A. enthusiastically supposing he comes to see me, amiably tolerate B. in my room, swallow all that is said at C.’s, whatever pain and trouble it may cost me, in long draughts.

Yet even if I manage that, one single slip, and a slip cannot be avoided, will stop the whole process, easy and painful alike, and I will have to shrink back into my own circle again.

So perhaps the best resource is to meet everything passively, to make yourself an inert mass, and, if you feel that you are being carried away, not to let yourself be lured into taking a single unnecessary step, to stare at others with the eyes of an animal, to feel no compunction, in short, with your own hand to throttle down whatever ghostly life remains in you, that is, to enlarge the final peace of the graveyard and let nothing survive save that.

A characteristic movement in such a condition is to run your little finger along your eyebrows.


Trigger Warning: ed, self harm

I keep thinking about my therapy session yesterday and I’m truly so grateful to have a decent therapist. I told her yesterday that I was fighting off slipping into an eating disorder and that I have been looking at this cut on my hand (it was an accidental cut). Like I know I’m not going to cut but I keep rubbing it, wishing it would stay. We figured out a plan to work through things and I cried out of relief. I know these are things I have to deal on my own but to know that someone else knows, that someone else will work through it with you and you’re not burdening them in any way, is so incredibly relieving.

6 September 2014    Reblog    

Trigger Warning: Child Sexual Abuse, eating disorder and related

I’ve started seeing my therapist again after the long summer, and today she suggested a thing. She suggested that maybe I have a “couple session” with me, my bf, and her. 

I have never been more relieved at a suggestion. 

Triggers and boundaries are weird things. In the past few months, I have struggled with eating and tried my hardest not to slip into an eating disorder (idk how successful/unsuccessful I have been). My boyfriend has moved into the area and suddenly being around him has brought up a lot of boundary issues that haven’t existed for some time. I don’t know how to deal with it. When my therapist asked me what my new boundaries were, I told her, I don’t know they keep changing by the second. I like cuddling up next to him and watching doctor who. I like his fingers and kisses on my back. When they start straying anywhere else (example: my stomach), my brain goes into a strange alert mode. Which wouldn’t have happened some months ago. Sometimes it also happens when he’s just hugging/kissing me. It’s exhausting. I don’t know how to deal with it. 

It’s not about him. I think he understands it conceptually. But sometimes things you understand conceptually are not necessarily things you can take emotionally. I do not mean to imply that he’s not supportive in any way.  He’s so immensely supportive. And I’m so thankful for that.

But the reality exists. I’m strangely closed off and I think he feels it and he’s trying his hardest to be ok with it. And I love him so much for all that. The last time I stayed over at his place, he said “we’ll get through this”. He said it with such a simple conviction it was difficult to not put my faith in him. At least one of us believes it. I’m glad he’s not asking it of me. 

I just want him to understand that it’s not about him. I want him to understand some of the things I’m going through without me having to explain it to him.  So the “couple session” suggestion was a relief. I think one of the notable things my therapist said was that she wouldn’t have suggested the session if he wasn’t supportive. But perhaps he can be made a more active part of my healing. So. There it is. 

Now. I just have to conjure up the courage to ask/suggest it to him. 

oh also, my therapist told me about a book called “Allies in Healing" and its basically for those people whose partners were assaulted as a child. i figured it would help someone


Life would be so wholesome if everything wasn’t hypersexualized.